Alone

When I'm sitting in solitude in darkness

I reach out and hope to grab hold

Something. Someone.

Just don't let me be alone

I can't take this silence

I can't bear the darkness

The cold is seeping through to my soul

I don't want to be alone

I'm tired of waiting in darkness

I wan't to break free and see the light

This darkness has corrupted my empty soul

Unveil the masked innocence

The Pathetically Poetic Dreamer

My mind wanders to starry skies

I poise my pen over paper

Waiting for the words to flow

But nothing

The usual thought vomit is absent

I chain senseless words together

Hoping for a literary masterpiece

But none comes

A writer with nothing to write

The life of a pathetically poetic dreamer

A Letter to Myself for the December 2011 NLE

Hey Dreamer!

We’ve come a long way. Now is not the time to give up. So many things have happened that may deter us from our goal of going on top. But there’s hope, the road has not yet ended, there are still a few remaining miles, let us use these remaining miles to make that great leap that will thrust us into the stars. Dreaming has been a big part of our life; this is the dream! Do not give up on the dream! I know that losing our inspiration, our reason, our mom, was the hardest but this is what she wanted. The road to becoming a nurse was the path that she wanted us to take. Let us promise, to do our best, to reach for the stars and give her one more reason to be happy. She’s the reason that we’ve come this far and she will be forever the star that will guide us to greatness. Let this be a closure. Do your best to make her proud. We may not reach the level that she has reached in her lifetime but we will do our best to uphold her name. She is forever the reason behind the existence of this dream.

I believe that we will not fail because we want this for all the right reasons. We’re doing this to help. We want to make a change and impact other with our care and concern. Failure is NEVER AN OPTION. I know that you know that the biggest hindrance right now is myself and nothing else. We have to pull our act together and get it right!

No pressure. Just us, Him and Mama on the day of the exam. Just us and no one else. We can do this! I believe in this! Now is the time to make the dream come true and make it into a daily reality. Hold on, be strong and keep faith. We can do this! We are the best! We’ve done all we could. Don’t let the dream die. Never lose faith. We can do this!

As Majorem Dei Gloriam!

LOVE

In a world where there is over a billion people makes it hard to believe that many are still searching for LOVE and many are so unfortunate not to have experienced it at all. When actually, love is all around…

So what is love? Is it that fabled feeling that makes you want to shout from mountain tops or from roofs at the top of your lungs? Maybe. Love is indefinable. Love just is. This is of course coming from a twenty year old who watches telenovelas, read romance novels, listen to love songs, and watch romantic movies just to feel that light hearted sensation in between one’s bosoms.

As Valentine’s Day draws near, I can’t help but smile at the thought that many are so blissfully in love, while I –the most amazingly gorgeous lady that you’ll ever meet – am a SINGLETON. Can your mind even begin to process that? It is so mind boggling! I am SINGLE and am surprisingly very much in love with the idea of love.

Does that make sense? Being in love with the idea of being in love? Let me divulge a secret that we book worms keep: WE FANTASIZE ABOUT LOVE AND IN TURN SHUT DOWN OUR HEARTS FROM REALITY.

They say that when you read an interesting story, you get lost in the little world that the story teller has made. Well, I don’t think that that’s the case for me. I don’t get lost in that little world, I LIVE IN IT. I have a problem with getting over things that I’m supposed to get over as soon as the credits roll and thus, the reason for my being stuck in fantasy. I live in an endless fantasy. I carry a make believe scenario in my head complete with music in my head wherever I go. Sometimes I block out when I get bored with the company I keep and instead, play out this little scenarios in my head. Sounds like crazy? I know. This is the trouble with constantly watching/reading/listening to LOVE STORIES; you tend to create that ideal love that doesn’t really exist outside the movies or novels. And thus leads to the reason of my being alone: I live in this alternate reality where this so called “love” is Shakespeare-esque. In other words, love for me is REEL not REAL.

Now, don’t get confused, this essay or narrative or whatever this writing is, refers to LOVE as romantic love not filial love or love for nature or beauty. JUST PLAIN LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. LOVE.

Maybe you’re wondering what I think of love? Well, let me put it in this fangirl language that many youngsters are so familiar with: “OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YFDKIHUFDGLIYTFAIUTYTGIFG!!!!!!” Made sense? No? Well, I think that love is quite a phantom, the greatest mystery; it’s like the mother of the Veil of Mysteries that Sirius Black fell in and the reason why Nam became one of the most desirable females in their school. It just doesn’t make sense but happens anyway.

Love is maybe best felt not portrayed. I find it funny when people say that the reason that I don’t have a boyfriend is because I have standards as high as Mt. Olympus but the reality is, I just listen to too much love songs, read too much romance and watch too many romantic films and soaps. This is why I have this idea in my head that love is supposed to be this grand musicale that makes you want to do cartwheels when you know that this is physically impossible for you. I know that love like that does not exist outside of these “worlds” but I hope that maybe, just maybe, if I wish hard enough on my lucky star, I will find a love that will satisfy the romantic in me. I may be contradicting myself and this may not make sense, but hey, love does not make sense.

So what fuels my fantasy love train as of the moment? HEARTSTRINGS. The Korean soap that tells the story of this uberly hot popular guy who sings in a band and this unbelievingly flawless girl who plays in a traditional music group and how they make beautiful music together and how they fall in love. Yes, that is the plot. I kid not. I don’t know what draws me to this soap, if it’s my love of music, my fantasy of having a musician for a boyfriend or just the story itself. This soap has had me listening to Korean songs on my phone that hell, I DO NOT EVEN UNDERSTAND. There’s this one song entitled You’ve Fallen for my by the male lead which I have on infinite loop on my phone. Crazy, right? The only phrase that I can understand in the whole song is “see my eyes” and of course, the word, SARANGHE. Yeah, well, love translates to any language. HA-HA.

So as I end this, I just want to make understand to the fools who get knocked up at their teen years for love that that is utter BULL. COMPLETE SHIT. TEAM BRAIN-USERS! Hoorah!

PS: Avoid emotional fuckwits. They’re fuckwits! You don’t want to get entangled in the mess that is them in love.

PS to the PS: Jung Yonghwa, sing me that song which goes “saranghe saranghe yeo” and I don’t know the rest of the lyrics, but its that song you sing just before you kissed the girl in the bar where you perform with your band.

LOVE. LOVE. LOVE.